I spotted a scene just off the road as I pedaled through the Flint Hills last weekend. It was a grusome sight to be sure but it reminded me of a life’s truth. Sometimes the most uncomfortable, repulsive situations are required for new life to spring forth. The completion of one entity is new life for another.
Death in the Flint Hills
And so it is for me on my adventure. This year has been the culmination of some unexpected, shocking events. All of it being used to wake me out of the stupor that has become my life. I have begun a glorious adventure into a scary place, my inner soul. There are a lot of things in there that I forgot about or didn’t even realize were there. A lot of it is ugly. There are blocks, walls, black spots that have been there far too long. I feel it will be more useful to share these experiences of pain than to keep them to myself. I was moved to create this blog for unknown readers some three years ago and I am once again moved to share with you my adventure of human experience.
But first I need to give some definitions of the words I am going to use to desribe this adventure into my inner self, my soul. I will write about two parts of me:
Ego: this is different than the psychological definition. It is the part of me that thinks with my mind and sees the world in a concrete, black and white way. It is bound by time and space and is motivated by external things like money, a job or things. It has no time for real spiritual enlightenment. Plus it is a skeptic.
Inner Guide/Spirit: This is the part of me that was put there by a greater power than me. I call that power God, some refer to it as the Universe or Spirit. It is energy and it is the same light that you have inside you. It is not bound by time or space but resides in a metaphysical expanse. It is what unites us all and makes us the same. All it wants to do is to love. This is not romantic love but rather Love that has power to move mountains and end wars. Some call this the holy spirit, but by whatever name, it is the light inside us all that motivates us to love, to do good, and to transcend the physical nature of this world.
Yeah, this is heavy stuff. I never would have gotten here if I didn’t fall off my horse, much like Saul of Tarsus when he saw a great light for those of you into the Bible.
But I fell off no horse.
How did I get here?
For a couple of years now I have been in a state where I didn’t know what I wanted to do or be anymore. Like I no longer had a dream to shoot for. And professional life means a lot to me. I spend most of my waking hours at work. I need to have a feeling that I am making a difference in the world. I don’t get that at my current job. The good thing about that is it led me to start this blog out of a need for self-expression.
I had no dreams because I simply didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore. It was like I no longer knew who I was. I felt like I had tried so many things that didn’t work. I was stuck in a dead end job and I saw no hope in sight. A sense of hopelessness had overcome my being.
Somehow I ended up lying on a thin, plastic covered mattress looking at the ceiling of a jail cell. That is the moment I knew my life was not what I thought it was. I reflected on the sounds, especially the one I had heard just a bit ago. The sound of the cell door closing and locking me in. This was my rock bottom. To some it was just that I had made a stupid mistake when I decided to drive home that night after a few drinks, and that’s what it was on the surface, but in the spiritual realm it was so much more than that.
The natural reveals the spiritual. You will hear me repeat that a lot. The natural world reveals spiritual truths. I was in a spiritual crisis but until this point, I didn’t even realize it. My ego had me living a life that was far from my calling. You see, my ego does its best to protect me from “bad” feelings. It developed most of its tricks before I even turned 10. The thing about my ego is that it thinks it is trying to protect me but it is completely and utterly fearful. If I am making decisions based on fear then I am not making decisions based on the one thing that matters. And that one thing is love.
I thought that was rock bottom but I had a little farther to fall to reach the place where I could only look up for help.
Getting pulled over, put into handcuffs, having all my belongings taken from me, getting a mugshot and fingerprints done was all nothing if not completely humiliating. I got to call my wife from jail and stay in a cell for six hours. I got to meet a bail bondsman that told me I needed to show up to court or he’d come looking for me. I had my license taken away along with my dignity and a once clean record. I was shamed and more than anything I was completely pissed at myself. Feelings of failure, inadequacy and defeat flooded every cell of my body.
After being released I drove home, showered off and fell into bed. It wasn’t that I was tired, my life had left me exhausted. I was done. When I woke up I had no energy to get up. I had no reason to get up. I am going to describe a place I don’t ever want to go again and I only do this to show how low I got. Just know that today I am in a better place because of all this so don’t be worried.
I didn’t get out of bed that day. I didn’t get out of bed the next morning. I spent hours in bed feeling like a complete failure. To be completely honest, I no longer had any energy to live. I hated my life. I hated what I had become. It was self loathing at its worst or best depending how you look at it. I spent hours thinking of every way possible to end my life. How could I do it and my family still get my life insurance. It was a dark time. I am ashamed to share it but I believe that I will heal through it and you may too.
I couldn’t come up with an acceptable way to end things. Thoughts of my kids, my daughter’s wedding and the pain I would cause them through such a selfish act were the only thoughts I had for the pro side of staying around.
How in the fuck did I get here? The feelings of failure were thick.
After a day and a half I made it. I did the only thing I could think of doing. I forced myself to get up after a day and a half of lying in bed. In all reality, I died in that bed. When my feet hit the cold floor, I was starting anew. Didn’t feel like it at the time, but I was. I also didn’t know it but I was about to start on the biggest, most important journey I ever have. It is a journey to inner peace. It’s all I wanted. I craved some peace. I could no longer live like this.
I surrendered to a higher power. Believe me, I’ve done that before but this time was different. This time it was real down to my soul.
In the next couple of weeks amazing things happened. Books that I needed appeared right in front of me. I was led into the realm of spiritual consciousness and I welcomed it. Blessings have come to me to keep me going. It has been pretty amazing.
I was led to look deep inside. I saw how my ego had me believing things that were not true. I have been led back to childhood to see how certain events led to walls around my heart. Memories came to me as I drove to and from work. I have buried my head in books and filled my ears with knowledge. It has been an experience much like Neo waking from the Matrix. I have much to share because I have already learned so much. I have had to see some unsightly things inside but I welcome it all because I feel alive again. Nothing will be the same. Nothing.
Feed Your Monkey!
p.s. I know there are some people with heated religious beliefs out there. I am simply sharing and not trying to sway anyone any which way. Any hateful comments will be deleted.